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Rambling Adventures of a Terrible Accompanist

Yesterday I wrote a little about my performance anxiety. It's a weird kind of performance anxiety because I don't feel anxious at all before I play. I feel happy and relaxed. But then I start to play and realize my brain has gone on vacation and left me here with this hulking piece of wood and strings and plastic, and these pages with all these weird symbols on them, and this expectant audience ... and then the anxiety hits.

And everything falls apart.

THINGS THAT HAVE REALLY HAPPENED

(I've never been an official church accompanist. I've always been the back-up to the back-up, which has resulted in the following scenarios, after which I've retired, once again, from ever agreeing to accompany anyone in public.)

Here are some things that have really happened to me:

  • Key Change: I'm happily playing in F, but my right hand decides to play in F harmonic minor and starts flatting every A and D (and raising the E-flat to a natural) while my left hand plays merrily along in F. All while people are singing to my accompaniment. And my brain thinks, "Something is wrong. What's wrong?" And because my brain has vacated the premises, I have no idea what's wrong. 
  • Lost and Panicked: Or I'll be comfortably playing from the music when I realize I have no idea where I am. I freeze up and, as people continue to sing a capella, I madly try to find my place and can't. Once the choir director had to come down to the piano and point to where I needed to be. It didn't matter, though, because it was like I'd forgotten to read music, and they finished a capella. I managed to play the final chord, but it was the wrong chord (probably an E when it should have been an E-flat), and the whole church laughed. I laughed along with them, but I know my face was purple with embarrassment, and I couldn't get out of there soon enough.
  • Surprise Responsibilities: It's happened on many occasions that I've prepared adequately, only to find out I was supposed to have a prelude and a postlude prepared as well. So even though I went in feeling confident and prepared, this kind of oversight tends to push me into a mild panic before I even start.
  • Bad-Ear Side: Or--one last one--the choir and/or the congregation is on my deaf side, and I can't hear them, so instead of just playing and letting them following along, I keep turning my head in vain to hear them, which causes me to lose concentration and mess up my timing and lose my place, and it's a disaster.

"PLAYING ABOVE YOUR LEVEL"

Once, after accompanying a youth choir, someone suggested to me that I was trying to play above my level. This upset me so much. It hadn't been a difficult piece of music. I'd sight-read it pretty well the first time I'd ever seen it. But the polite suggestion hurt because it wasn't the first time I'd heard it. The truth is that I play so badly when I have an audience that I sound like a beginner trying to play intermediate-level stuff.

One of my past piano teachers would have performance classes with other teachers in town, and I got the same suggestion from another teacher at one of those. I don't remember what I was playing, but it was something I could play beautifully at home, and even in my lessons. But I froze and crashed at the recital, and this piano teacher suggested to both me and my teacher that perhaps I wasn't ready for such difficult repertoire.

I don't know why, but even now I am terrified that someone will listen to me play and think or say, "She's trying to play above her level." Why does it bother me when people say this? I think I know why. Even though I know that's not the reason I play badly in public, there is a small part of me that really does wonder if I'm stupidly trying to play things I have no business playing.

WHAT IS MY LEVEL, ANYWAY?

What level am I? I have no idea. Late intermediate? Early advanced? Middle-advanced? Grade 7? Grade 8? Grade 5?

If I had to guess, I would say "early advanced." I feel like I'm as good now as I was then. But when I'm in front of an audience? I'm not sure I could play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" with one hand.

YES, I'M RAMBLING

I know I'm rambling. I really don't care all that much about levels. Once upon a time, I took some pride in being "advanced," but now I don't care. I don't know that it matters if I can't play in front of people, if I can't share this wonderful music.

I would love to find a teacher who will (1) suggest repertoire that is appropriate for where I am now, and (2) provide opportunities (such as performance classes) for me to play in front of others.

But as much as I want those opportunities, my days of playing for church congregations are over!

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