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Anger

I mentioned yesterday that life has been hard lately. It is due to a number of things. One of the results, or one of the causes, maybe, is that I have been so angry lately. Furious. Bitter. I honestly feel like I hate everyone. I don't, but there are times when I just want to start screaming, or beating my head against the wall, or throwing plates at the wall.

There are a few things that help. Exercise is one, so I've made an effort to hit the gym most days since I got home from North Carolina. And, of course, there is piano. Whether I'm just moodling (musical doodling) on a chord progression or drilling a tricky passage, piano helps me to take my focus off my anger.

If I can get some piano time and some exercise time into a single day, then I'll likely make it to the next day without feeling like my head will explode.

But then there is another thing that makes me really angry: when I'm playing piano and someone in the family yells at me to "turn it down" or "put on the headphones." The complaint isn't what makes me angry so much as the fact that no one in my family appreciates my music. My husband will be like, "Sure, I'd love to listen to you play something!" But as soon as I start playing, I can see him scrolling through his phone out of the corner of my eye. My daughter has no interest whatsoever in hearing me.

I know there are people out there who do appreciate piano music. There are people out there who would hear me and be impressed with my skills. There are people out there who would say, "Just keep playing for as long as you want. I just want to sit here and listen." My dad has always been one of those people.

But they are few and far between. Mostly, no one gives a shit. And, for someone who would love to be able to play for an audience, it can be very frustrating. I can't even hold the attention of my own family.

The only person who really enjoys listening to me play piano is ... me.

It's one reason I appreciate the PWJ (Piano With Jonny) Facebook page. I don't know how many people listen to the entire videos that I post, and I don't care. Everyone is receptive and encouraging. And they are all pianists of all levels, so they appreciate the work that must go into the difficult pieces that I play.

I love piano, but I hate that it makes for such an isolated life. You would think music would do the opposite.

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